Yep, two weeks to Christmas, happiest time of the year, economic recession, world down the toilet, ice on the roads, big holiday bargains, something else, some other thing, whatever, it’s time to place another misplaced-aggression brainfart on the internet. This one comes in small pellets, so you could call it a cluster brainfart. Or a brainfart Daisycutter. It’s exactly like every other rant blog out there, except it’ll hopefully have correct spelling and grammar.
Which brings me to my first topic. Fuck MOAR, fuck PWNED, fuck LIEK. I don’t care if they’ve turned into the social online meme popularity equivalent of Andre The Giant vs Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania III or Richard Branson’s left testicle, the fact remains that purposely spelling something wrong is just FUCKING ANNOYING. It’ll get worse, soon they’ll stop using the letter A to describe things and replace it with S because it’s next to it on the keyboard and someone in a forum somewhere said that HuskyBox134 was “s FAGG!!!!11111!!!”. As far as this wirter if cnternd, day cn al sck S DIICKL111!!!”!”!! It’s very saddening that I won’t need to translate the meaning of that last satirical sentence…
I’m declaring a boycott on Iceland. The store, not the country. Couldn’t boycott it if you tried. It’d be like trying to boycott a huge mass of land in the northern hemisphere of the planet. But the store…oooh the STORE! Watching one of their adverts is like trying to pull a stump out of the frozen ground with nothing but barbed wire and your penis (women, substitute penis for labia. Not literally, angry female readers with access to surgical tools). And the barbed wire is covered in acid. And somehow Nick Griffin of the BNP is turning this stump-pulling into a metaphor for why foreigners should be shipped out of Britain.
The ads go beyond the usual level of TV advert suckage. I won’t go into the details. I don’t want to hurt you that much. But the fact that they’re on EVERY 3 FUCKING SECONDS, often CONSECUTIVELY, makes me want to hurt the people involved to an extent that might actually go beyond criminal and be an actual affront to nature. I don’t even care that they’ve taken “20th Century Boy”, T-Rex’s best song, and taken a big steak-and-onions shit all over it, but I’m sitting there, trying to watch Star Trek and instead I’m treated to a Ludovico-esque litany of Jason Donovan being a cunt with a bunch of female middle-aged cunts. And it’s got a fucking generic lame-duck bastard of a slogan as well. I feel like going to Marc Bolan’s grave, digging it up and turning him over in it just to vindicate my opinion of this tainted anus of an advert.
Oh wait, can I say anus? Because nowadays it could be one of these ridiculous combo names that tabloids (specifically The Sun, that paragon of quasi-racism and even quasier-raciness) use to describe unattractive middle-aged female singers on reality talent shows that seem as inescapable as the process of aging. There’s a SuBo and a MaBy, so if for instance the person was called Ann McManus, she could easily become AnUs and no-one would bat an eyelid. In fact, they’d probably give her a makeover, put out a CD of covers and turn her into an overnight success like those two reanimated Cabbage Patch Kid clones of Kenneth Williams that came out recently. But enough about them. No seriously, ENOUGH. Get rid of them. Here’s a few combo names for you, that I think describe the people who came up with these fucking….THINGS pretty accurately: Dickwad. Wankbag. Ballsface. Shithead. Cunthole and GO AWAY. That’s not a combo word, fuck it they can take a bit out of my BuLe (that’s combo for butthole).
Well the computer crashed six times in the space of typing this blog, so I’m not bothered to spellcheck it. Complaints in the comments section below, it’ll take me a year to get around to reading them, so Happy Xmas and stay away from Iceland. Chicken Goujons aren’t worth it.
That’s it.
